That is what I said to myself while driving my mother in-law around down last week. I wanted to cry and scream, "How dare you!" Once I calm down internally I started thinking back all those years and as recent as the week for last.
Here is the back story.
For years I have busted my butt and stressed myself and the kids whenever I hear the words, "Family is coming over."
I go into panic mode looking at the house. It did matter which house I was in or how many kids I had at the time. The feelings of chaos and anger hit me hard. Not only is my house lived in with two or three kids depending on the year. I am a stay at home mom and well my family holds me to a different standard vs work out of the home mom. It was time to make the house sparkle. Hell on earth if a kids or husband made a mess in the the 24-48hrs prior to family coming.
For nearly 2 decades I have lived with the fear of judgement and believe me I was judged. Most of the time behind my back which kills me I wanna know what people thing of me (most of the time). Then there are the few whom shared to my face my failures.
When the families walk into my house they never smell my cats, Bailie's guinea pigs, or Brittney's reptiles. The only smells in the air is the fresh baked goodies, fresh brewed coffee, or some kind of food. There is always food when we are with family it is what we do. When the look around they will not see the clutter from this week's mail, the bills waiting for our attention, or the piles of laundry waiting to be processed. Nope not even a crumb on the floors. I do feel good when they house looks almost picture perfect.
It has never been Martha Stewart perfect, but one day it will be and it will maintain the look. All the counters are as clear as perfect and my kitchen sink is empty and sparkles. Why do I work so hard for family? They have all held me to a different standard all my married life. A few to my face and most behind my back. Or at least that is what I have felt for the last 25 yrs of my marriage.
Then recently it has been brought to my attention it has been all in my head all these years. I am the one whom holds myself to the standards it achieve. It is possible? May I really my own judge, jury, and executioner?
Let see - My mother in-law was the one whom would walk really slowly into the apartment, the Orlando house, or the current house looking at everything. As if she was about to preform the white glove inspection. She has walked into my all my kitchens (until the last 10yrs) and always said, "Oh, you still have last nights dishes to be dried." "Oh, you have not finished the dishes from this morning." "I never had dishes sitting in my sink like you."
The frustration from exhaustion just fills me inside. Yes, mother in-law my sink is still filled with dishes from cooking for your family. For making breakfast for your grandkids or from your son whom had to have midnight snack and left his mess for me.
My own sister would ridicule me because my house was not "perfect". "After all you are a stay at home mom. Your whole house should be spotless." she would say to me.
It was Karma at that point speaking to me. I held her to a higher standard when she was a SAHM and I was a working mom. Things changed when my 2nd baby was born. I was laid-off the week I came back from maternity leave. Once I was now a SAHM the judging got harsher from people. Little did she or any of my verbal judges knew I had just spent 2 days cleaning with little ones "helping". Oh, and lets not ignore the baby was up all night with g.i. track issues. Which involved a complete crib change, a bath, late night laundry, and all while trying not to wake anyone else. IF you know my sister and all her houses then you know she never had the right to judge me. Yes, I know nobody has the right to judge any body. Lets face it we all do or have at one point or another. I would judge her the first few years of my niece's life. She had a smaller home and one child and it was not so much the mess it was the clutter.
I can say my mom has never judgement me to my face. She usually knew what my week entailed with the kid(s). It was not until the last 10 years has she actually told me to calm down to relax she was coming to see me and the kids not my house. I still picked up the clutter and put them away for the visit. She lives to far for a spontaneous visit. I knew I had 50 minutes to sweep, wash the dishes, pick up the living room (not the family room), and have a spot at the kitchen table.
I am not sure if my sister in-laws judged or judge me. I have heard complements from the nieces and nephews regarding my house. How clean, organized, nicely decorated, and just proof it was worth running around the house like a crazy person. When you are a Plain Jane and a SAHM all I have are my kids and my house my husband worked so hard to get and keep. Yes, it means the world to me when people can come over and feel safe to sit on my furniture, toilet, and eat my food.
I am looking around now at my house and though I have been busy with MegaCon and Etsy merchandise it needs a vacuum (which I do at night mostly since Tom works from home now) and my floors need a good mom (which I try to do before the house wakes up). My breakfast bar has my tool box out and open. The thermometer is out because I have been monitoring one of the kids with COVID symptoms. My Bona mop is still out, and my counters are a mess. I am not okay with the messes, but I have lost so much mom time to cleaning vs being with my kids. Now I have time to do for myself. No, not get a job. We want the kids to do extracurricular activities for school. I need to be ready to pick them up with this panDAMIC to get them when told. Plus, add this stupid skin of mine.
I got side tracked, again. Back to talking about my mother in-law. We have been spending more time together since September of last year. We have shared stories and secrets. So, I said to her I always feel like and I have been judged by people all my life. She responded, "I never judged you." I was like "How dare you!" She continued to tell me she knows what it is like to be judged by family. To never be good enough. She was one of my biggest judges. I wanted and need approval from her and the whole family. I get no paycheck or yearly evaluations to tell me I am doing a good job. I live to see my kids grades when they were younger it was a combination of my helping them and their hard work. I live for people to come to my home and see how clean, kept, and it's modest daily decorations (except for Christmas we go all out). It is the only way I know I am doing a good job.
For 25 yrs have I held myself to standards no normal person should even except?
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